This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes. asan unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at your door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
– Rumi
How Do I Love Myself?
The experience of self-love can be one that we will never really truly understand until it becomes an embodiment of who we really are.
But I really think that self-love is a radical acceptance of relentlessly loving the parts of you that you deem as unworthy or somehow unacceptable. Shadow work is a buzzword nowadays. Everyone seems to be intrigued by their own shadows and the idea of looking inward so they can heal their own darkness and transmute it into light. It is normal to spend a great deal of your life hiding from yourself. Sometimes I do things I am not proud of but that doesn’t mean that we need to dive deep into self-loathing.
When entering into a personal growth journey, sometimes self-love can be a little bit of a trigger word. I remember walking into a therapists office and by the end of session she told me, “You just need to love yourself more.” The experience was laughable – that’s what you took away from my pain, my trauma and my lived experience. That I just need to start making more of a conscious effort to put L-O-V-E into me? In any respect, she might have been right; however, during that time the amount of effort I was expending trying to ‘love’ myself was exhausting.
Maybe, my lived experience needed grace and compassion from a listening ear before I could even gain the perspective that my issue was self-love. It’s about going through the uncomfortable growth instead of giving into the instant gratification that another night of useless sex, partying or shopping can provide us. Choosing to love yourself enough is to sit in the uncomfortable, to know that this too shall pass. Loving yourself begins with inviting Mara to tea.
Inviting Mara to Tea
If you’ve been practicing with me for long enough, you’ll have heard a phrase that I love to you use to describe the expression. of the above. It comes from Buddhist Psychologist, Tara Brach, one of her favorite stories of the Buddha shows as a powerful wakeful and friendly heart. The night before his enlightenment, the Buddha fought a great battle with the Demon God Mara, who attacked the bodhisattva he had: lust, greed, anger, doubt, etc. Having failed, Mara left in a disarray. Yet, it seems that Mara was only momentarily down as she would continue to visit the Buddha and remind him of his ego.
Instead of ignoring Mara or pushing her away, the Buddha would calmly acknowledge his presence saying, “I see you Mara.” He would then go ahead and invite Mara in for tea and serve him as an honored guest. Offering Mara his last chair and cushion to sit on so that Mara could sit comfortably.
When Mara or our own self-loathing visits us, we can say, “I see you Mara,” and clearly recognize the reality of craving and fear that lives in each human heart. By accepting. the human condition with warmth of self-compassion, we can offer Mara tea rather than fearfully driving off the parts of ourselves that we don’t love.
Our habit of being a fair-weather friend to ourselves – of pushing away or ignoring whatever darkness we can – is deeply entrenched. But just as a relationship with a good friend is marked by understanding and compassion, we can learn to bring the same qualities to our own inner life.
