Sometimes, when someone asks us to clean out our closets, we look them straight in the eyes, slam the door and run in the other direction. Cleaning out our closets can be a scary, horrifying feeling. When someone is able to awaken us from the slumber we’ve been in, unconsciously walking through life, without any clue of how scattered our thoughts, feelings and emotions have become we just might as well be dead. It is kind of like the little saying, “you can’t teach a dog new tricks.” Why should anyone change when they’re perfectly fine reveling in their own filth? Cleaning out our closets is a feeling that can make us gasp for breath and hold on quickly to what we truly want: solitude.
Solitude is the one thing in this world that can protect us from the dangers outside of ourselves. But I feel like I should rephrase this sentence because it is a little negative. When I wrote it, I was probably going through one of my “oh so common artistic sagas,” and dramatically pinned the essence of my feelings into a proverbial punch line.
But I think what I am speaking about here, is a very relevant fear of intimacy. And don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I don’t crave, desire or want intimacy. It is that I am just afraid of losing myself. I mean think about it this way, relationships are work. I can barely be in the car with my mother for more than 45 minutes without going back into negative distortions, thought loops and an overwhelming sense of irritation.
How am I supposed to be anywhere close to relationship material?
I don’t want to sacrifice the last chance I’ll ever get to be in love with me. I want to date me. I want to wake up every Saturday morning with me in my arms and maybe my goats. BTW if you start seeing goat t-shirts being worn for quirky, hipster girls who think animals on t-shirts are cool – I started the love of goat trend. But in all seriousness, I find nothing more enjoyable than my own presence and I’ll give you a list of reasons why:
- I don’t have to shave anything
- I can leave paint on my body and only strangers look at me funny
- When I am alone I prefer to skip like a child who hasn’t taken her medication
- I like dancing naked
- I don’t have to cook for anyone else
- My mind isn’t constantly fixated on another person
- I have time to think, assess and reassess my emotions
- I can financially and emotionally support myself
And the list goes on and on… but it isn’t that I am not lonely. I get lonely all the time. Especially, when Bob from the corner bakery thinks it is more fun to try and sleep with me than be my friend or companion. But that’s okay. We all want love at the end of the day and we all fear rejection. I know that I fear rejection more than the plague its self. That’s really where I think my ego comes into play and something I really struggle with. I have a fear of losing and admitting I am somehow weak.
So, the question is…
How do we find a balance between fulfilling our needs for intimacy and companionship emotionally while maintaining our desire for independence? I think nature, meditation, passion, and art fill me, but I still desire and crave connection with people who think like me.